Living, Loving and Grief

Posted on June 9, 2020 by healthpuzzles

How are you doing these days? It’s been a good while since I wrote anything. We have all been living the horrendous covid virus experience in our own ways. And now we have the protests and riots in the streets. It’s a scary time. But what I feel a need to talk about is something we will all experience at some point in our lives, maybe even now…no one gets a free pass if they love. It’s grief. How does this pertain to health? It is part of the human experience and there are healthy ways to get through it. When it strikes, feeling grief and sitting with it is harder than running from it with drugs or overeating or sleeping too much. I know because that is what I have been doing for the past month. It just prolongs the sadness which is part of healing. But I have also been reading my books about healing and trying to practice being present and looking for a healthy side of feeling and moving through pain. These are my salvations and they really help more than the addictive things that are easy to reach for but in the end, make you sicker.

What has happened to give me this experience with grief? I lost my friend, my constant companion. She was a dog named Morgan. I was lucky to have had her for nine years. She got cancer and I didn’t have a clue until eight days before she died. If she was feeling sick before that (I hope to God that she wasn’t) I didn’t see it. I thought she was getting older and slower but so am I, so I dismissed it. I took her to the vet for a cough. I always knew I loved her beyond belief and I never seriously contemplated losing her.

Those eight days were the hardest days I’ve ever experienced. Yes. I realize I’ve been very lucky to not have lost an actual person which I was close to on a day to day basis, but I think I can definitely relate to the feelings of devastation and loss. I now know the terrible feelings of helplessness, of sorrow and the emptiness that comes with losing a loved one. We were each others shadow and I don’t remember a day in nine years in which she wasn’t one of most important souls for me to consider.

Grief for me, it is several feelings, sometimes all at once. Sometimes I can hardly breathe and sometimes I can go on about my business. Sometimes I can plan my day and sometimes I cry most of it. Sometimes I realize I need to move on and sometimes I feel justified in being sad.

What have I learned about grief that might resonate with you? I’ve learned that clichés are said over and over for a reason. When someone said these things before, I didn’t really get it….”She had a great life.”, “At least she didn’t suffer.”, “She’s happier now.” you know those. I think it’s because when someone is grieving, we want to try to make it better. It’s human nature. I’ve learned those clichés kind of do help when you are in the midst of trying to process what you could have done differently.

I’ve learned that sometimes, we lose our way. We feel the need to be comforted and we fall back on old habits. Junk food and chardonnay have been companions too much lately. I have not been able to muster out my yoga mat even though I know I need to. I’ve learned to have more compassion and to judge less.

I’ve learned that you find out who your real people are and that they come through for you. They are there for you even if you don’t deserve it. I’ve learned people can be really awesome. I’ve had a much needed lesson in the goodness of humanity.

I’ve learned that feeling grief is so powerful but it probably is not going to kill you and it just might make you stronger. I’ve learned that you can run but you can’t hide. You must feel the feelings and think the thoughts to start to move in a more positive direction. Which is where I personally want to go. Crying and moping is not going to bring Morgan back.

Most of us have heard about the stages of grief or experienced them…There is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance…I’m still traveling through all of them but in “Finding Meaning” , David Kesseler suggests there is another stage which is, finding meaning. I have started to think about the meaning in my dogs life that will always be with me. One is that she taught my husband about how awesome dogs are. He didn’t know. Another is that she taught me to live in the moment because that is all we have. She was so noble that it was astonishing when she got sick. I saw her bravery and I want to mimic that if I can. But the most important thing I think I got from her was getting to know an animal so well that looking in her eyes, I saw the eyes of all animals. I saw that they think, feel, have needs and want to live their lives. Yes, I have quit eating them many years ago and I now feel a stronger need to advocate for them. What a gift she was.

In moving forward without her I will try to remember this quote by Rose Kennedy who had her share of heartbreak and sorrow…”Birds sing after a storm: why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?”